Homeschooling Dissonance

Thanks to Josh Walters, via Facebook

Maggie and I attended a party for a friend yesterday and each of us found ourselves on the receiving end of dissonance about our family's decision to homeschool. Both conversations were from K-12 teacher families and both rooted in ignorance and incorrect preconceptions of homeschooling.

Maggie's discussion was with an actual teacher who asked questions in an attempt to understand how we address and will continue to address issues of gym, music, art, socialization, testing, etc. We've spent a lot of time researching and thinking about these aspects and have some well-prepared and reasoned arguments. The conversation for Maggie was pleasant and ended with what we hope is enlightenment about how homeschooling is done with someone we believe to have genuine skill in teaching children.

My conversation was considerably more angry and attacking, including calling Maggie and me idiots for homeschooling and suggesting our kids will be retarded for doing so. Including a fantasy that Olivia's gym class is her running in circles or getting together with other retarded homeschoolers. It got my cockles up, that's for sure. It was with the husband of  K-12 teacher who has repeatedly criticized our decision and wrongly thought our intention is to completely dismantle the public schooling system. Ironically, or perhaps as a result of conversations when we aren't around, it focused on gym, music, art, and socialization.

I reserved personal attacks because I don't feel they add to the discourse or serve to promote a healthy friendship. I don't mind a disagreement but calling me and my wife idiots and my kids retarded crosses the line. It shows you that there are many ways to deal with cognitive dissonance. One way is to ask questions and attempt to understand. Another is to attack, condemn, and put down.

Aren't you concerned with socialization? Yes! Aren't you?

The socialization conversation is tiresome already and we've only just begun. It gives Maggie, Olivia, Nathan, and me opportunities to practice it. This was told to me by a Masters Degree graduate from the college where I work and lifelong homeschooler  - "practice addressing the socialization issue."

Sadly, this happens with those Olivia would call Uncle or Aunt (because of the closeness of our friends). Sadly, it resorts to petty name calling and angry disagreement. Now, I know he would never say that to my children but he should realize that saying it the parent is just as inflammatory. I was deeply hurt and saddened by the angry conversation. It weighs on my mind heavily.

The idea that homeschoolers are isolated or lack social skills is simply unfounded, untrue, and disproven. Social maladjustment happens regardless of educational environment; in many ways it is hardwired in our children. Because homeschooling is far from isolated and instead part of a highly connected world filled with networks, people, and possibilities homeschoolers often have advanced social skills including an ability to interact with people of all ages, professions, levels, etc.

Olivia is as comfortable talking to Ph.D's as she is with younger children. She regularly engages people in conversations about many things and sometimes finds herself easily bored with platitudes and placating. Maggie and I never practiced baby talk with Olivia. We always spoke to her as an adult. We use a wide vocabulary and help her to understand the words. We put ourselves in situations where we all get to interact with different people and topics. It is part of how we see ourselves in the world.

On the flip side of socialization, let's address some common schooling social situations that most people would find disagreeable.

• How many eighth graders are pregnant in your school?
• How many conversations are had about drugs, drinking, excessive partying, etc in your school?
• How many students are mocked for being above the curve or common level of knowledge in your school?
• How many students are mocked for physically developing early or late in your school?
• How many students are bullied to the point of regression, depression, or suicide in your school?
• How many students feel social pressure to wear a certain thing or not wear a certain thing in your school?
• How many students are victims of peers' behavior problems in your school?
• How many students are more concerned with dating than learning in your school?
• How many inappropriate teacher conversations are overheard by students in your school?

This is a recent example of how broken our schooling system can be for some students.

I can continue the list but I feel the point is amply made. To stave off bias there are plenty of good conversations that result from good teachers following constructivist or social constructivist theories of learning. However, with testing, State and Federal mandates, etc these types of activities are not the rule but the exception.

One final question for the socialization issue: Would you rather have your children be prepared to have conversations with a wide, diverse, and interesting population or not? If not, then by all means follow your gut on that just don't mock our desire to have our children be part of the wider world.

How do we learn art, music, and gym (substitute any subject here)?

As I covered earlier, homeschoolers are connected to a wide and diverse world where we can learn from experts like professional musicians, other homeschool families with experts in particular areas, visit organizations and businesses who deal with these topics daily, or simply dig in and learn it ourselves (that is possible to do you know). Homeschoolers are also quite active in intramural sporting activities with other homeschoolers.

Which do you think is more exciting? Learning from a generalist in a school setting who can't possibly be an expert in all areas or a specialist who makes a living or excels in that field? 

Now we know plenty of teachers and school administrators. We know plenty of highly educated people. Many of whom are experts in their fields and we'd be proud to have them teaching our child. Alas, we don't get to pick the teachers unless we homeschool - then we can pick from a fleet of experts, resources, and situations.

Anything left to say here? 

Well, yes, a few more things. Public schools are a blip in the education landscape. For centuries before education was a highly individualized and diverse experience where students studied at home or under a master. The public schooling system is wrought with union and tenure problems. Public schools are widely criticized as being throwbacks to an agricultural and industrial era where the goal was to produce workers capable of performing tasks in a burgeoning industrial complex. Worse, public schools, at least in our area, are producing a remarkably low level of graduates who can boast an 85% of higher in areas like reading, writing, math, and science. Read the report for our district.

Last point, I promise. 

Teachers in schooling environments are forever complaining that parents don't do enough, parents need to engage their children more, that teachers can't do everything, and/or that families aren't doing what is needed to adequately prepare their children for life. Well, here we are doing 100% of that work. How much more should we be doing? Perhaps, the crux of the problem really is that teachers can't do it all, won't do more, and need families to feel guilty about the contribution levels in order to preserve an outdated and outmoded model of education that is really more of a employment office than a place of learning.

We homeschool and we're proud. You're welcome to disagree but please don't attack our choice with myopic and ignorant preconceptions. Instead trying having an open mind, ask questions, and learn about our choice. We promise to respect your choices for your children and please respect ours.